Southwestern College Santa Fe, NM
–from Reverend Ted Wiard
Internal Boundaries Can Lead to an Easier Day
The Taos News has committed to implement a bi-weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. You may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.
Dear Ted,
It seems quite often I fall into the “muck” of other people’s dramas or I seem to bring drama and pain into my life. This causes me a lot of anxiety, intrudes on my serenity, and causes grief within my relationships. Any thoughts? Looking for Quality intrudes on my serenity.
Dear Quality,
Navigating the world around us and finding a way to keep serenity, calmness and joy as essential parts of our lives can be difficult and is also an important area of growth. Last week I attended a trauma conference with Dr. Lorraine Freedle from Pacific Quest and one of the statements she made was, “We are going to bump into other people and with the reconciliation of that bump, we start to have a real relationship”. This is a profound statement as she is really talking about that area of being separate but whole, alone yet together, and in navigating, not avoiding, the “bumps” in life with others. Navigating these bumps successfully allows us to have authentic relationships while maintaining our serenity in the chaos of the external world.
Boundaries become a big part of this work and maybe you can visualize them as bumpers on your vehicle of life, helping to make interactions with others safer and with less of a shaking impact. One type of boundary is our ability to consciously choose to not let something or somebody be in your inner world. Saying no and following through is a big part of this work. Even if present in the physical world we have the ability to choose to keep a person or a feeling away from our present experience. Our boundaries are our internal stop signs that can protect ourselves and our serenity.
These boundaries are malleable and organic which means they need to be reevaluated and sometimes modified as your feelings and needs evolve. You might decide to change a stop sign to a yield sign, or, just allow something or someone a closer presence to your inner world.
The final boundary that I want to mention is your own inner boundary of where you choose to take yourself. Where do you want to go? Are you trespassing onto someone else’s boundary without permission? Are you doing the bumping and not honoring the stop signs and yield signs of others? Are these signs not clear and do you need clarification? Your internal boundaries allow you to control your next action. You can decide if you choose to step into someone else’s drama or not.
A situation may be toxic for you in some form so you can choose to not go there mentally, emotionally, physically and/or spiritually. Having the empowerment to choose what you step into and who you invite into your inner space will aid in your efforts to navigate the “muck” of life and allow you to own, change and find light in the midst of the dark fog. There are choices even in the midst of the unexpected. Until next time, I wish you well on your journey of healing from loss.
Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Direct any questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for TeamBuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.
